Dear Jill and Jon,
I have been in a relationship for well over four years with a man to whom I have been faithful, although I think he sometimes sees other women.
We have talked about getting married someday; but because he is so busy with his stressful job, we rarely have time to go anywhere together. We do, however, talk by phone or e-mail almost every day.
Do you think this man will ever seriously consider marriage?
Waiting But Wondering

Dear Waiting But Wondering,
We have heard from several people, who have been lulled into relationships in which they have been waiting for years, hoping beyond hope that "someday" the largely unavailable other will commit to the marriage they have "talked about." Usually, these people have been relegated to the periphery of the other person's life, and sustain themselves on the "glimmers" of attention the other happens to shine their way.
The reasons people hang on to "dead-end" relationships are many. Often, it's the wishful thinking that accompanies romantic love ("he'll change") or the idealization of their "unique relationship" and of the "specialness" of the other person. It may also be false pride in their own faithfullness, loyalty and love or rationalizations to explain away the other's unavailability ("he's just so busy"). Often, intense feelings such as fear of aloneness, bonding from sexual intimacy, or fears of real closeness can team up to give the illusion of a viable relationship.

Are you willing to find out what makes you vulnerable to this pattern? Why you are chasing a parked car? Even if your friend chooses to settle down with you (or settle for you) in his own time, think about this--how much has he factored you or your feelings into the choices he has made thus far? What kind of love will you really have won if you end up with this person?
And what if you don't...?
What do you really want? Are you "choosing" this person by default? Afraid of being alone? Scared that without the crumbs of this relationship, you'd starve? It really sounds like you have been more alone in this relationship than you may have realized...and it may be too painful or confusing to face that head-on by yourself.
Know, at some level, though, that you deserve to be attended to, honored, really loved now rather than "sometime" later. And you did deserve a clear "yes" or "no" from him after a year, or two at the most.
Jill & Jon